Dietary Drivel

So I am about to embark on that age-old and very popular struggle for weight loss. Better yet, I’m going to be paying people to tell me what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat. It sounds dreary and pointless, I know. I’m taking solace, however, in the fact that this programme is meant to be a lifestyle change, I’m meant to learn how to eat healthy. Better yet, this isn’t a cookie cutter diet. It is 100% personalised, based on my glycemic index and whatever else they take into account from my blood. Like excess protein created by the IGA Nephropathy, which is threatening me with a kidney transplant in the next twenty years. I don’t want a kidney transplant. I’d rather keep all my own internal organs, thank you very much.

While most people pay other people to help them lose weight for vanity, my vanity only covers about 40% of my motivation. The rest is health. I go to the gym; I eat relatively healthy as it is right now. Except I still eat pre-packaged food and junk food. And while my lifestyle is great for maintaining my weight (I haven’t gained or lost even a fraction of a kilo in the past year) it is not conducent to me losing weight. And if I want to avoid the family curse of diabetes, it’s the losing weight part that is most important.

I tend to gain muscle mass as quickly as, or faster than, I lose fatty weight. So my goals in weight loss are an either/or sort of scenario. Either I want to lose 30 kilos, or I want to be a nice size 10. And not just at Old Navy, either. A universal size 10. Relatively speaking. I do, however, want to make a considerable dent in my weight numerically speaking by the next time I see my specialist. That is to say that I want to lose somewhere between 15 and 30 pounds by March. So what does this “paid to be personal” weight loss plan give me to accomplish this sort of goal? Well, let’s air it all out so you can judge me and bully me into staying on track!

So this plan started with blood work. The blood work was to get an idea of my overall health, my glycemic index, cholesterol level, and all of that fun stuff. In my case, my cholesterol is a smidgen high, so for the next twelve weeks I’m limited in my intake of red meats. Then I get another blood test. Yay! From the blood analysis I am given a list of foods I can have, and a chart of the different food combinations I can have. My distaste for beans means that I will be having a lot of chicken. Good thing I like chicken!

I do have to weigh myself and my food, which might be a pain, but it will also be interesting. This diet is going to force me to cook, and to come up with new recipes, and fun stuff like that. Speaking of recipes, anyone know any good ways to cook beans? Fucking beans.

I get to eat 3 times a day, with no less than 5 hours between meals, and I have to have dinner at least 2 hours before bed. I also have to drink 2 litres of water daily. I can also have tea (without milk) and, though not recommended, diet colas (in moderation). So yay for not being limited to water and only water! It also allows me to cheat with one meal bi-weekly (which is great with Thanksgiving coming up soon!)

I will have a consultant who I can phone or e-mail who will help me with anything and everything I need help with, as well as keep on top of me with weekly check-ins where I have to update her on my weight and measurements. The blogosphere will only be burdened with monthly check-ins, however. If I remember. This whole diet thing starts tomorrow (only because I didn’t get to do shopping until today. And I just remembered I forgot to buy sugar substitute. Whey.) I also get a personal grand tour of a new gym in Fergus that I will probably be joining.

So, interweb, it is time to put that cyber-bullying to good use! Keep me in line!